Words from my heart

Time flies really fast. Really. I just realize that almost a year I got married. Soon in november its gonna be our first anniversary, yay!

I manage to assemble Gundam Age-1, Age-2 and Age-3 in september

A dream. Everyone has a dream. The only problem with the dream is it giving out some sense of hope that someday we will achieve that dream. This hope must come with the will and work towards realizing the dream. Not like Im complaining for working towards achieving the dream but the truth is, this dream is getting nearer to become just a dream. Mission Impossible?

Well some says that everything is achievable if we work hard for it. In this era where that everything move so fast, people become impatient and most of them searching the shortcut to realizing the dream. In the end this shortcut make them ended in the long years of loan repayment, trapped in the loop where I loan somewhere else to pay other loan, and worse gotten into financial crisis where ended up by court declaring your bankruptcy.

Dream you may, but be prepare to work hard for it and be patience. The urges to go to the bank and apply for loan is unbearable sometimes, but when I think about it, I already have massive loan when graduated (thanks PTPTN) and need to repay it for many years to come. Then come the quest to make a living for my family, my wife, my future kids, they have needs such as good homes, food, transportation, clothes, internet, etc.

So many things comes to my mind, things that I wanted, that I wanted to buy, that I wanted to feel, that I wanted to enjoy, may just ended up just the things that bother up my mind when it is not occupied with the family or work problem. At first I thought it can relax my mind a little bit and release some stress. Apparently not, it added stress for me as I cant have it.

With the rising cost of living to worry about, house prices going up like a rocket, things will be tough to the young adult like me to start a living. Well, nothing good comes easy and as tough as I look the road ahead, the journey must go on....

G.A.M.E.

In what context by I mean for G.A.M.E? Since Im a little kid, I always fascinated by the computer games. Correct, what I mean is for computer games. It is the passion that fuel my interest to further my study in field of computer science. I never forget the thrill when I got to play Prince of Persia on my dad IBM PC at his office. Not to mention Doom and also Castle of Wolfenstein.

I still remember begging my parents to buy super nintendo or sega genesis. But nope, never got one. Until my older brother bought one catridge console games when I was at standard 5 if not mistaken. Its not super nintendo or sega genesis, but a chinese knockoff of sega genesis look a like. See below pic:

ya I know, it can play nintendo and sega games. cool right?

At first, our parents didnt notice my older brother bought this game. So we play only when our parents go out to market or some kenduri. Sneaking to play the game. How nice. Some games still fresh in my mind, Batman game, some weird japanese ice hockey game and most memorable, chip n dale: rescue rangers.

Throw the box chip! kill that honey bee!

Beside Contra, (which is we cheat for 30 lives for it) this is the game that we manage to beat until the final boss. Imagine that time there is no save function, so we need to play through all the way from start to final level. It took one whole day for me and my brother to reach the final level. Sweet glorious moment when we manage to beat the final boss.

As the result of this continous gaming, the humble made in malaysia, PENSONIC tv doesnt last long. It broke twice until the final time my parents forbid the game console altogether. It is a sad moment.
From that moment, I told to myself, when I grown up, I gonna get all the games for me to play.

My first home PC

In the middle of 1999, my father been transfered to Sabah. At that time, Im studying at Form 2. As of 1999, mostly people will remember Half-life, which has been released in 1998.

The legendary, Half-Life.

I saw this game for the first time at the cyber cafe (cyber cafe are everywhere in the 90s) and immediately hooked on it. But it is not the only game that Im interested in. Another one is the new installment of Command & Conquer, Tiberian Sun.

See that? how cools was that in 1999.

Protect the MCV! arrrrrrr

 Im starting to go to cyber cafe frequently and my parents grow worried. At the rate of RM2.50 per hour that time (Im getting RM1 per day pocket money) I save the whole week pocket money just to play this games for 2 hours.

The glory playing network skirmishes with my brother is epic. Not to mention can play with others who also play the same game at the cyber cafe. Deploying the MCV (Mobile Construction Vehicle) and start building the base. Prepare the base defenses and also the offense team to attack other player base. Its really capture my imagination as a young teenager. Sometimes Im having a dream become one of the soldier on the Tiberian Sun battlefield (gosh, its a nightmare actually).

Then at one usual saturday, my parents ask me to accompany them to centrepoint sabah shopping complex. I ask why? its weird actually. Then my mom said, "We gonna buy computer so no need to go cyber cafe anymore." How I gonna describe this, the joy and the happiness when the magic keyword "computer" come out from my parents mouth. Wheeee~

So we go to the Galaxy Computer System computer shop and bought a decently moderate PC. Here are the specs (as I remember):

• Intel Celeron 533Mhz
• 64MB RAM
• 40GB HDD
• S3 Savage 3D graphic card
• Dial-up modem card
• CD-ROM
• Mini tower case
• Keyboard and mouse
• Speaker
• 15inch CRT monitor

All of this costs around RM1899.  Its powerful enough to run Half-Life and Tiberian Sun, so Im happy enough. While my sister is happy cause finally got internet connection at home. This PC has a very long history. It will go hand in hand to me until I finish my SPM studies. It under go number of upgrades including:

• RAM capacity upgrade to 128MB
• Windows 98 to Windows ME to Windows XP.
• Graphic card update to NVIDIA GeForce 256 32MB VRAM.

All hail the mighty geForce 256 XD

 At first the 3D games are not capable to be play on my PC. With the Geforce 256 (which costs my father RM450) I can play 3D games like Homeworld, Hitman: Codename 47, Half-Life in Direct 3D mode, not in software renderer.

This PC is then come with me when my father transferred back to Selangor after my SPM. I still remember I try to boot the PC and nothing appear on the screen. Im feel very devastated at that time. Its like an old buddy try to bid me farewell. Im not give up easily. I open the CPU case and try dust off the component inside. Maybe the some gotten loose as the result of long flights from sabah to selangor.

*Beep* single beep of joy when I press the on button and my PC booted normally. Hurray! My father only can smile when he see his teenage son now able to fix the PC by himself. He know that buying the PC Know How mag every month for me will benefit someday. But in 2002, my PC now is just an aging piece of machine. Cant even run the latest games at its best. That time, Pentium 4 and AMD Athlon 64 are a big huha in PC world. Well, what a student like me can do, and I know my father will not buy me new PC anytime soon.

How about game console?

After the SPM, as most of SPM school leavers, they had nothing to do for like 3 months. Most of them want to take some small job to earn some money and experience. I that time, I miss all the game console ever produce, including the Playstation. Only heard about it, never play it. After the SPM I determined to get a Playstation 2 which is the hottest game console at that time. I play Metal Gear Solid on PC before, so I excited when MGS 2 announce for PS2. Sadly, I dont have PS2. And Final Fantasy X coming to PS2 also. Gosh, Im eager to get one.

I got the bulky one at the left first. Later after broken down a few times, I bought the slim version.

So I told my parents I want to find a job. As usual they ask what for? I tell them that I want to buy PS2 (at that time it cost RM1800, yeah, its a lot of money). My parents forbid me to go outside to find work. Im disappointed. I really want to play those games. However, my disappointment were not last long when my parents decide to buy PS2 for me. Yeay! Again Im so happy beyond words. For 3 months, I just sit at home play PS2 games. Final Fantasy X I finish with all the unlock powers, MGS2, Silent Hill 2, all the best games that I can play in the duration of 3 months. Its one of the best moment of my life.

However my joy ended after 3 months later, SPM result was announced and I had to leave my beloved PS2 at home. As I further my studies in diploma, degree and master, I never miss play computer games. Its kind of stress reliever and motivator when Im studying. I usually try to finish all the assignments before I start play games.

Past, Present, and the Future...

Fast foward 20 years later, since I ever play the first computer games, Im still a gamers at heart. Although I dont have much time when I was younger  to play the computer games. Not only time, but also a stamina to do long gaming session. Now I play for 3 hours straight and I got headache already. Need to rest in the interval. But as I said, I have not much time, although there is so many games to play :(

I just hope one day I can sit down, and play the games without anyone disturb me. But now, time is the luxury that I cant afford. Yes, I can have all the games in the world, but I dont have time to play them. Pretty sad....

This morning I arrive at the office and receive e-mail from MSDN that my company have register me as one of their professional developers and Im eligible for MSDN subscriptions. Hurray! I activate my subscription and to my surprise my company subscribe the Ultimate package for MSDN.

Comes complete with Windows Azure access and all 11 terabytes of Microsoft software with 10 keys for each product O_O

The best thing is, I can now test Visual Studio 2012 Release Candidate. Seems like it works well with Windows Azure. Go here to find out more: http://www.windowsazure.com/en-us/

For the purpose of awesomeness, I added the video link on creating the website in Windows Azure in just 3 minutes :D

Since its still new, I tinkering around with VS 2012 first right now. I also got a free online training package as part of subscription.

As promising as it looks, Im excited for the new knowledge ahead and cant wait to explore more on this. That's the computer world to me, new technology, new knowledge and new possibilities~

After 2 months working on the development of the extension my company research platform for social media sharing, its finally deployed to production after relentless testing by my tester in Australia. Whee, she really caught every single detail (even the 1 pixel gap for facebook share button LOL)

"I think its fine now and we good to go" - my team leader - Anand, beeming with confidence. Im out of word how to describe the joy.

"Ok then, we will do the deployment tonight" - Australia side agree. It will be a silent launch as we deploy the new features to production. It should complement nicely with the Research services platform for Microsoft Office that has been released earlier.

"Thank you all as we end this project development cycle. Full report will be given once it will be launched to production" - last word from my team leader before we signed off. In my heart, I was so happy, yippie! maybe I can rest for one week or two before next project come.

Im going out of meeting room with a smile. Luckily no one sees me like that, if not they must think Im crazy, hahaha :D

Well, my smile not last long, maybe around 10 minutes LOL. Anand come to my desk and said;

"Next project meeting will start tomorrow"

"Erk?"




Moments later I learn that our company are a bit short handed as big projects coming in. Anyone have experience in .NET can send resume to me so can help me a bit here can? hehe.

Lately Im ventured through Android 4.0 apps development. Well, after few months learning, Google come out with the latest Android 4.1 JellyBean. Wheee~ well new features and updates are cool, but yeah, learning cycle start again.

Well, that's the challenge for the developer like me. As usual, its just a day at the office. At the end of the day, I will go home and re-think everything that I done. Not to mention coding in the dream (zzz..)

Until next post then.

I once read a quote someone posted on facebook ( I didnt remember who said it):

 It is rare people will talk or discuss about the idea. This so called "idea" usually appeared to us as something that need to be think about, and we usually lazy to think anything or rarely come out anything that associated with an "idea". Maybe that is why only great people talk about "idea" because from the "idea", it can grow to something fruitful that can even benefit the mankind.

How about average people? does it really true average people talk about things only? things that may produced as a product of someone else idea. Usually we are like that. We talk about cars, smartphone, gadgets which is, all of it is a product of someone else idea. Do you ever read a review on "idea" before? For me, nope, I never read one. But the review for things around us, A LOT. People criticising, commenting someone else product and rarely come out with the bright idea on how to improve it.

Lastly, poor people. The lowest one. Does that mean politician is poor people? because they talk about other people a lot, hahaha. Does that mean talk about other people is bad? Its not bad, but usually it will lead to something bad. Trust me, people will go down to the lowest level when talking about other people.

Something to ponder upon on the last hour at my office...

I'm actually not good at remembering the date (hence the smartphone with reminder features is needed). But at this date last year (2011), I make a decision that is very important in my career progress.

   As I landed my first job as a programmer since December 2010, The end of May 2011 marked the end of my 6 month contract with the A company. But there is no word or even official letter from A company HR to continue or terminate my contract. Fear of becoming jobless haunted me. I then again scour through the job market, ploughing through opportunities that I can take to progress my career further.

Unlike my first interview, I now have to take a leave or half day leave so I can go to interview. Although I kept it secret from my current employer.

B company - Global IT company

When I arrived at the B company buildings at cyberjaya, one word can describe it. its HUGE. And the security is quite tight. I have to wait for the B company HR come to fetch me and register as visitor. They put a visitor sticker at my clothes (yes, its a sticker). Then I noticed that the building are quite hot. Maybe no sufficient air conditioning or the design of the building that allow the sun light to go through.

The HR personnel escort me to interview room where I need to sit for the test for half an hour. So I sit and take the test while waiting for the interviewer to come. After around 40 minutes the interviewer come in and greet me. To my surprise, the interviewer is not Malaysian. There is two of them, one is Vietnamese and another one from India. The vietnamese interviewer english are a bit weird, having hard time to understand what he says. While the India interviewer seems not care too much about the interview (play with his phone, go in and out interview room).

Overall, the interview experience is quite so-so only. And also I see the workers cubicle very small. After a while, they did call me back for second interview, but at that time its already too late :D

C company - Local IT company

This one is a bit interesting. They call me for the test first. Expecting the not so technical test, I come with confidence (no studying at all, hahaha). But this time, there is other few people that come also to take the test. To be honest, it feels like a university final exam :P

And when the test question booklet been handed to me, I was shocked. Its a full fledged test with every aspect covered. Including the mental and IQ challenge. In the advert they ask for fresh grad or less than 1 year experience, but the questions is more like they looking for people with 10 years of experience.

In the end I knew that I flunked the test. As comforting reply, the HR says they will call us later if they want to revise. I take that as "You fail, now go home"  LOL

D company - MNC Publishing company

As my luck seems running out with the IT company, I turn my focus to company that need someone that can help them maintain or develop small application to be used by their own company. I land an interview with D company which is at that time, just across the road where my gf (now my wife) are working. As for the first interview, they give me small test (just 3 questions) and interview with the manager. The manager are very friendly and knowledgeable, makes me very comfortable to reply any questions that been thrown to me.

After 2 weeks, they call me again for second interview. This time its the tele-conference interview with the managers in Australia. Its quite a nervous moment for me, but eventually, everything turned out just fine.

The offer that you cant refuse

 No, no. Im not been offered a job by a mafia boss, hahaha. After a week where the D company interview past, D company HR call me an offer the job. The salary was almost 2 x higher than my current job. At that time, my contract with A company ended without any word whether they want to continue my contract or not. So I wrote a resigned letter to HR which I resigned immediately because basically Im free already :)

After a brief goodbye to A company which taught me so much for the first 6 months of my career journey, I report to D company on 13th June 2011. Since then, much has happen. Including what you can read in my previous posts.

My career journey will surely not end here. Im sure in the future, I may again change company, or maybe work as government servant. We will never know what future hold, but I believe that whatever and wherever you work, remember that you work to find keredhaan of Allah and the rezeki given to us for living and continue to pray to Him.

Until the next post then :)

Although I don't have many follower, (or reader), but I want to write something so it will be remembered and stored inside the cloud space of information on internet. I'm married for 6 month already, and everything so smooth until today. Despite the rocky start, I put my act together and I marching forward. However, there are some things that I would like to remember, especially the humiliation that comes from my own family member.

The divorce and the wedding

 Did I mentioned before my parents getting divorced? Its now almost 2 years it happened and the court case still not settled.

And a midst of all the chaos, I planning to get married. Its like putting the salt into the wound. I just defy their logic. How on earth your parents getting a divorce but you planning to get married?

I don't care. The one who get the divorce is my parents. Why I should be dragged down with their problems. Their should know very well that the problem between them should be settled without involving or make the children take the side.

Instead, my mom make everyone to take side. To take side with her, and all the bad goes to my father. Pity for my brother and sister who don't have a chance or simply just be ignorant didn't want to hear my father side of story.

 No one even care about my wedding actually. Except few of the relatives that really want this to happen (thank you mak usu lin and pak usu). In fact, Pak usu replace my father to meminang my wife in the engagement ceremony. He said, its ok, I should be strong, and he will be there until the end. And he did.

11 November 2011

It's Friday evening. The cloudy weather makes me worry a little bit. I look to my best friend, Syed Anwar who will be my best men in the wedding.

"Its gonna rain soon" he said.

"Hope everything will go well" he smile at me. That ease me a little bit. He also be at my side since the engagement until the very today.

In my mind there is a lot to think of. Not to mention the nervousness, its reach sky high level. When we arrived at the mosque, my leg is actually shaking. My heart is racing quite fast. Then mak uda and mak usu seems noticed about.

"Bertenang, jap lagi nak jadi suami orang", mak uda said to me. My mother is there but she stay silent. Mak usu wipe my off my sweat on the forehead.

Tok kadi then enter the mosque and take his place.

"Mana pengantin lelaki? mari duduk sini" - he called me to sit infront of him. I stand up and slowly walk. Then I sit in front of him.


After all arrived, he begin the ceremony. Although everything seems fine, my heart felt there is something that maybe can go wrong. Tok kadi did ask me about the khutbah that he just cite in front of me. Remarkably, or some how, I can answer those questions.

After that, ijab dan kabul start. I passed it on my first try. My wife smiles. I know she must feel relieved also.

Thanks to my best men on that day Syed Anwar who record this using his smart phone. Xperia rocks! (Sadly, my wife bought me samsung galaxy s2 hehehe)

It should by wonderful evening for the rest of my life. The cloudy weather seems reflected my feeling at that time. Although Im happy, my heart is unease. This uneasy feeling soon become true. What next to happen will make it the most memorable moment of my life.



11 November 2011 - The aftermath

Actually after the nikah, there is no plan for small kenduri or makan makan by keluarga pengantin perempuan. The kenduri will be on saturday, 12 November. But as a courtesy, my mother in law serve some kuih and tea for my family relatives that come.

Everything seems fine. Suddenly the cloudy weather turned. Rain start to pour down. My mother and my brother wait until the rain stops and then they get back to the rented homestay that I rented for them. Far that I know that trouble brewing.

As planned, I and my friend stay at my mother in law neighbour house. Suddenly my phone rang. I pick up the phone. (Please bear with me as I recall the conversation)

"Assalamualaikum, kenapa mama?" my mom call.

"Ko balik rumah homestay ni sekarang, mama nak cakap!" her tone sounds mad.

"Kenapa? tak bole keluar sebab kereta kena block. nak kena prepare utk majlis esok lagi"

"Kenapa mak mentua ko kasi kuih keras dgn air sirap paip? ko tau tak mama lapar, mama laparrr!!! mama tak makan lagi!!!" - I stunned.

"Bukan **** dah kasi afiq duit utk makan kan? dia tak bawa mama pergi makan ke?"

"Kenduri esok la mama, petang tadi minum petang je, **** dah pesan afiq bawa mama pergi makan, kenapa dia tak buat?" - My tears start to fall down.

"Mama tak peduli, kau dtg sini skrg jugak!!!" *klak* *tooooot*

Only god knows what I feel that time. At the eve of my wedding, my mother do this to me. I dial up my father number....

"Hello" - my father pick up the phone.

"Abah.... **** dah tak tahu siapa nak mengadu..... " - I start crying. My manly tears shed on the night of my wedding. At the same time, rain start to pour down again. Thunder flashes in the night sky. I sit in front of the window. crying. I dont care. I know my friend is outside hearing me crying alone.

"Dah, jangan nangis, tak elok nangis, baru kahwin patut happy" - my father try to comforting me. The day before, he comes with his brother abah man and pak long to meet my soon to be mother in law.

"Jangan pedulikan mama tu sgt, aliq rehat, esok ada kenduri kan..." - my heart is aching. Although my father is not here, he still try the best to comfort me.

After calling my father, my friend step into the room.

"**** Ok?" I cry on his shoulder. Not many friend will do this to you, only true friend can. At the moment of my sadness and happiness, he always there.

Whether Im fine or not. The ceremony will go on. I cannot sleep well that night, I just hope the next day will be better....

12 November 2011

Morning. The rain still fall down. Although not as heavy as last night. I try to smile. It is my day. The only day that I will remember and cherish for the rest of my life. Let what have done is done. My mother is nowhere seen in the kenduri. Just my little brother. Make a scene at makan beradab table. My mind is blank. Nothing to think of at that time.

After the kenduri and my family relatives going home. My father arrive with abah man. He having a chat with his besan and ate some kenduri food before going home.

"**** jaga diri elok-elok. Dah jadi suami orang. Bawa keluarga dengan baik. Jangan jadi mcm abah" A few words from my father before he goes home. I just nodding on what he says.

My friends also bid me farewell. Thank you Syed Anwar and his brother Syed Arif. And also Fadzir who always be there.

13 November 2011

Someone send me some facebook screenshot. Im stunned.






If I see my little brother again, I swear I smack his face first. I did transfer the money and all the toys that my sister want to ship back safe and sound already. I did bare the cost of transfer the money to oversea. As for the video, its up to him. Im not gonna go down on his demand.

There is saying that, if you do bad things to people, people will do the same thing back to you. I just pray that he has good life.

Until next post then...

Sometimes we like to make something simple into something that was so complicated. From thinking that what next after alphabet 'A' to what next after alphabet 'Z'.

So I come across the weird (Can I use "weird"? never mind.) requirements for the project that I working on recently. It takes me 3 days to understand it.The system that I develop should have 3 category of the user:

• Normal user
• Multi group user
• Anonymous user

Any clarification of what this user type should have access to? Not even in single line of requirements document. Maybe software engineer that come out with this requirement try to screw me or try to test my knowledge on the entire user base category of the company.
 
After 3 days I finally figure it out. Alright, now its time to implement it!

**ring ring** *phone ringing*

Me: "Hello?"
 Software engineer: "Owh hi, just want to let you know that we drop the requirement for user access type"
Me: **speechless**

Yeah, after 3 days brain damage try to understand the requirements, they told me they gonna drop the requirements. Not sure its a good news or bad news. But either way, now I can move forward in the development process :)

When you was young, you always thought that your parent have a lot of money. For me, at the beginning I also thought like that. Why? because I was given only 30sen to 50sen for school pocket money, but my parents got to hold cool RM50 notes.

How naive isnt it? For the record, my parents are not rich. My father is just a government salary man and my mom is full time house wife.

Because of that, I ask a lot from my parents. You know in the early 90s that's a lot of cool anime like transformers, gundam, macross, voltron and a lot of cartoon that main purpose is just to selling the toys. Well, my parents never bought any of it, like Transformers. How I dreamt to have one Optimus Prime toy when I was a little kid. Sadly, even until now I still cant get one.

Original Optimus Prime toy that I really want, cool right?

However, I still remember my father bought a Dash Yankuro Tamiya version Dancing Doll and Cannon Ball for my little brother and my older sister.

At that time, this thing cost around RM26 each, RM26 is like RM260 ya know

Not only that, my father also bought the box, rechargeable battery etc etc for me and my siblings to use to play this small car. But still missing one piece, a track. The track costs hundreds of ringgits if want to buy from the toy store. My father eventually take the picture of the one in the store and he made one for us using only a hard cardboard paper. I still remember it he work on it after back from work until late night just to complete it.


Ahhh sweet childhood. However my childhood is not all fun and games. And not everything that I wanted or demanded is fulfilled by my parents. I know that my parents are not rich. I realize where I am, and I realize I am not in the place to demand for more. As long as I have food to eat, place to sleep, go to school then it should be enough for me.

Since you cant have everything, you start to dream that one day, when you have a job and have your own money, you want to buy all the things that you always wanted. Really? I mean, REALLY?

I just realized once you stepped into the same shoe as your parents, the whole reality of cruel world fall down upon you. My parents now divorced, and until now the court case still not settled. Guess they have a lot of money to pay for the lawyer fee.

Until now, I cant stop thinking of money when want to do something;

TIME.

Yes, TIME. It almost more than a year if I ever update my blog.

Not that I have a lot of readers also. But since the last post, everything has changed. My family, myself.

For a start, lets say I started my own family already. Im happily married to my love on 11 November 2011. And its a struggle until the end. Right now still, Im struggling. Its like you gonna drown but somehow, you manage to keep a float.

I wonder how long I can manage that.

As for my family, its already broken. It shattered to million pieces that maybe impossible to piece it back together again. Its a long story, and I planned to to write a novel on the whole story. Who knows it will become a next novel to silver screen.

I planned to keep active in my blog again. Maybe I write a few lines after my work hour while waiting for my wife to finish her work hour. Keep me on your reading list ok? :-)

Till next post then...